Why am I not enough?

As a kid I was too skinny
either I didn't eat much
or mom didn't feed me enough
I was told my legs are fat
my teeth are crooked
Why am I not enough?

You care too much
You do more
You don't do enough
Why am I not enough?

You are overthinking it
Why are you so needy
Why do you love me
Why my reasons aren't enough?
Why my truth needs an explanation!

You have a good heart
but it's your tone
You have a great body
but it's your bone
You did great but...
Why every compliment has a
but attached to it
Why am I not enough

New chapter of life!

I turn this page
with the hope
that either next time
it won't be a slippery slope
or I will know how to cope
with a laugh or cry
I will embrace all that the future holds
and let go off all that past endured!

My delusional heart continues to live on!

Drinks with a girlfriend on Valentine's day after a long time, and this is what my delusional heart churns out. 

I love you with all my heart
I miss you with all that I got
You brighten up my life
You are my sunshine after the storm
the spring after the grey winter is gone

I love you with all my heart
The bed next to me feels so empty
it's cold where you used to be
I miss waking up to you
I miss sleeping next to you

I thought you were the Harry
to my sally
you were the "tum"
to my "Hum"
but then this is a life
and not a movie
though I wish everyday
he will lit up your brain and heart
and we'll never ever be apart

I love you with all my heart
I miss you with all I got
Life is beautiful
and I live it to full
It's just a little too meh without you
I put this out in the universe
one day it would turn around
and it would be blissful all year round
with you by my side
I know sun will always shine.

Sweet Ends!

It's that time of the year again, Christmas is all about hope, love, family and dreams. It's the time to shed the past and start afresh in the new year. I just had to give this one a sweet end. 

If the end is this sweet

I promise I will do it again 

in every life 

to be yours and

to make you mine

I will cry the tears

I will shed my fears

I will open my arms

and heart 

to your love.

To let you hurt,

to walk out

only to come back 

and it was meant to be

if the end is this sweet

I will bear whatever 

life throws at me.

I will walk through the pain

I will pass the short term gains

I will wait for you 

till the end of my life

till the end of the time

If the end is this sweet

I promise I will do it again 

in every life 

to be yours and

to make you mine.

Choices of my delusional heart

I love reading romance fiction and watching holiday movies. I think there is enough grief and violence around us, even though it's just for little while, but these books and movies, make me believe in the magic of life and magic of falling in love. My brain understands the realities of life, it's the delusions and naivete of my heart that is the problem. 
This free verse was inspired by the books I read, the movies I see and the people I meet. 

Hating you is an option
I don't want to choose
Loving you is something
I can't stop to do
Missing you is something
my delusional heart
continues to beat it through
Being with you is my dream
you don't want for you
Don't know what's more scary
my dreams for me or
my wish for you
Is it the baggage of my past 
or failed relations around you
that we can't find a way across 
this ocean of pain and loss
Not everyone you will love
is going to leave
you would just have to trust
and take the leap 
I promise to be there
every step of the way
defying the rules for you
corrupting the balance of fate
Loving you is a choice
I will make everyday

I don't know

I wrote this sometime in early 2007, and it was probably how I felt at the time. I don't remember the circumstances or the pain special of the day :) 

I don't know how to 
express myself
but does that mean 
I don't feel
they misunderstand me 
but what to do 
how to do
how will they appreciate me
why can't they accept me
the way I am 
why do they have to change me 
Am I that bad?

That's me
my life is an open book 
for everyone to see
everyone reads the preface 
and turns away
Is that the way 
it should be?

I don't know whether
its right or wrong
its true to false
but that's the way 
I feel
that the world is travelling 
on a selfish wheel
Am I not a part of this world?
Don't I have the right to live?
To be happy?
I think one should stop
and answer this
so that i know
whether I am right or wrong
whether this is true or false
Do I have the right to feel?
Do I need to learn how to express my ZEAL?

Bon Bon!

Pit bull mix
cute eyes
an obedient child
whoever said girls love diamonds
hasn't met you yet
you were happy with your
red ball instead

You are an important girl
in your daddy's life
And I am so glad to have met you
when I did
you have no idea
what you did
but you were all that I needed

I remember when we first met
you had just come from the park
you were dirty
My hands were dark
when I rubbed the spot on your head
I asked if you went for a
touch up instead :)

You love rubs
and you asked for many
I was happy to oblige
Suddenly you got up
turned your back
I thought you got mad
but then your dad said
she wants you to rub her back
Oh boy! you don't really have
a stop button I could press
but you were so cute
and I loved it even
when my hand asked for rest

You weren't funny
when you went around me
with your leash
I was distracted
and your dad said
you couldn't push her around
How could I
It's Bon Bon
is all i could said

Rules don't apply to you

Despite living in such a connected world these days, why don't we reply to friends or reach out to them to just check-in as to how they are doing? We want everything at our fingertips, unfortunately or fortunately every relation needs effort from two people in that relation and not just one. Call your family and friends, don't postpone it, don't lose time procrastinating, tell them what they mean to you because it might be the last time you have the chance. This year has been a long year that has taught me not to live a life of what ifs.  

When you don't reply

I think it's rude

You agreed

and 

said that's very true

every relation is a 

two -way route

But then you do it too

how come the rule doesn't 

apply to you

When he said he was busy

and the work had been a little crazy

or 

when he was sick

you said he was being a D...

But then you do it too

how come the rule doesn't 

apply to you

It perplexes me

and I asked you

you said stop overthinking

and then we can talk it through

friendship is unconditional

why add an asterisk to it too

I felt so alone

didn't knew whom to turn to

I can't think of one friend

in 8 years that is

if I don't reach out 

in a month or two

who'll text me and ask

What's up with you?

I fell for you

and my love for you 

is true

maybe that's why

you did it too

and the rule doesn't apply to you

Now that I learnt the lesson

and I know what was 

never true

I will manage on my own

I will think it through

And next time

I hope

I won't fall for you

I won't let you do it too

But I wish there is a next time

with you. 

My Hug Bud

Richa got you
but you became my Romsey Bomsey

giving you hugs was my hobby
and you played it right
being always ready and in sight

You were unique
I taught you
"Show me your teeth"
Instead of any other regular command
you were supposed to be
You knew how to knock
like human beings
Your unselfish love was
only for me
You were protective
of Dad
when you wanted to be
You were the mean bean
to spikey

I know I left you
when I moved
I knew you were upset
but you also knew
that nowhere I go
you'll always be my Rumo

I used to complain 

you have been spoilt rotten

ever since Spikey passed away
You started manipulating
and blackmail
which were never your trait

Sorry I didn't open the door

when you knocked
that night 

I was so mad
about the newspaper ad

you knew I was right

Sorry for not letting you sleep 

with me that night

when some idiots went crazy

burning firecrackers
to your plight

Sorry doesn't suffice

for what I did

I gave you the last medicine

that ended up in your windpipe

you were sick that morning

but it still seems my fault
and I can't let it go

Home will never
be the same
without you
It took a while
before I could talk about you
without tears in my eyes
Bonnie helped
she is so fancy like spikes
she even dyes her spots right
She is cute
chews her big red ball
like you would too
But you have nothing to be J
No other bud
can ever replace you 

I miss you buddy
and I wish you had a longer life

but I am glad I got to hug you one last time

Four hours

I met Gaby through work, one awkward cold call, a coffee, and a work dinner is all it took to be friends with her. Since then, we have seen each other through some rough times and that's when you know that the bond is strong. Like they say it doesn't matter who came first, or last, what matters is who came and never left. She is one of those people in my life who have been with me at my worst and will stand by me at my best. 

Four hours 

is what it took

to be friends with you

Indian food

no drinks in sight

you poured your heart out 

don't know who was helping whom

but we needed each other

Four hours 

is what it took

to have a second home

with you

Numerous memories are etched in my brain

the happiness class

David and I gave

in your living room

Hot chocolate at Tommy's

the Hawaiian themed birthday

Four hours 

is what it took

to get to know you 

and cherish our friendship too

you always knew
even if you are some 300 miles away
your instincts were spot on
and you were always so protective
whether it was my ex at the conference

or the creepy lawyer
addressing the elephant in the room

Four hours 

is what it took

to have you in my life

discussing my first date

from a faraway land

to making plans

to encourage unborn Adam's

globe-trotting adventures

before he turns into a young man

Four hours 

is what it took

to befriend another scorpio

we are fierce

we are loyal 

we can count on each other

you encourage my delusional heart

even when I ball my eyes out

and you know when to put a halt

Four hours 

is what it took 

to be friends with you

Now we'll just have to find

a way around the 

five hour time difference

that you are about to 

put me through

One hour late!

This one is still in works and would always be, because I don't want to close the chapter and accept the fate even if it's in my dreams. 

One hour
that's how much
you had me wait
I threatened to
go on a solo date
What a great start
to the first date

I wasn't letting you off the hook
you tried to reason
with your charming smile
I was teasing when I said
I'll hold it against you for the
rest of my life
I don't want to divulge too
many details
but you were
the best first date
although you were an hour late!

I deserved a lot better

Matthew Hussey said "It’s a brave thing to do to keep that magic in you even after you’ve been hurt. It’s okay to be disappointed that someone didn’t turn out to be the person that you needed, but what you mustn’t do is grieve as though they were the one."

I wasn't grieving as if you were the one, I was grieving for who I had become.

You changed the meaning of best friends

When you lay your hand on me

You changed my life 

You closed my heart 

and threw out the key

I am glad you walked out

when you did

Because I deserved a lot better

and I did

You changed the meaning of best friends

When you bought the gift 

What an a... 

for you to budget the year 

You ruined my 30th
What a d...

You changed the meaning of best friends

and life as I lived 

you body shamed me

you lied to me
you played me 

I don’t live a life of regrets

But you are one piece

of past

I wish I could skip

Turn the page...and start afresh

It sounds easy than it is

I am still recovering from

that blow, years ago

I am no perfect

Not that easy going

But I am glad you walked out 

when you did 

Because I deserved a lot better

and I did

Love you amma

We used to call our grandmother "Amma". 

Amma's sudden passing away

Has brought us down the memory lane

We remember what she did

and what she didn't

Stories she told

of flying white elephant to start with

Peeled fruits cuz we were too lazy

Pampered us more than anyone else

Took our side

when mom dad complained that

we are spoilt

Ran after each kid

to ensure we finish

our morning glass of milk

She gave unconditional love to all

which we couldn't return

Sorry amma for not standing strong

For waiting things to go so wrong

And not being there when you longed

When we say our prayers each time

We would request god to hold you tight

Give you a new birth

In a house so bright

Where you would be apple of everyone's eye

Cuz when it came to love

You were always right

We will cherish your memory

And live it on

Cuz you would want us

All to be strong

Love you amma always

To all my friends

I know it's not always
easy to be my friend
but somehow you always
seem to be there
with a laugh or a smile
and i just wanna say 
thanks for putting up with me

Thanks for being the friends you are to me

Love

Love is here
Love is there
It's all around in the air
But No love for thee
Nor for thy
Only for me, myself and I 

Happy birthday dude!

PS - writer is not responsible for anything written below that doesn't go down to well with the reader as the writer is currently under the influence of lit and breezer ;P

To a nice guy from the rebellious tipsy girl

Wish you a very happy b'day dude from dudette
Since it's your day, don't feel down

Let go of this frown,

Be happy like a clown
I wish and pray

That this year be good

and it weigh

May you achieve all you desire

Rise like you on fire (lol)

Shine like a ... (I am tipsy..can't think)

and then comes the happy beginning

With the president father

Standing in the aisle

giving away his princess' hand to you

With a smile on his face

and singing - la la la la la

Don't know you for long

But wish this bond goes strong

now give a big smile

& let's walk together this mile

To help you achieve

What's been missing for a while

So that you live the rest of your life

In the big mansion by the sea side

With your current (part/half) wife

Since it's your day, don't feel down

Let go of this frown,

Be happy like a clown

Mom

Just want to take this opportunity to thank you for everything that you do for me; from making my bed to bearing the brunt of my anger & frustration. I am sorry for the numerous times i have hurt you, I am sorry for the promises that i made but never fulfilled....


I love you ma'
I need you forever
sorry for doing wrong instead of right,
for screaming on top of my voice
for getting into numerous fights
for lying instead of telling the truth
on the very first night
for being rude most of the times
for not being there when you needed me
For being the thankless kid that I am

Please forgive me for all that I have done
& yet to do

I love you ma
I need your forever
you took all my anger
showered me with your love
without a clause or a word
you lift up my drowning soul
you lit up my hazy road
you sacrificed your dreams for me
though I was not worth it
thank you mom for everything that you do
From morning till night
Thank you mom for the unrefined love you bestowed upon me
I wish I could make up to something one day
I wish I could bring that smile on your face
I wish I could fulfill all your dreams
I promise that I will try & be at my best that I could be

I love you ma
I need you forever

New Year 2010...For all my friends :)

No New promises,
No New resolutions
to pave our way
Let's bring in the new year
this time in a new way.

Leaving the regrets &
losses of last year behind
Burying the worries
for the future in the rind

Let's raise a toast with a glass of wine
balloons in the air
To mark the turn of a new leaf
in our lives..

Let's bring in the new year
With laughter & glory to begin with...
new skills to learn
Opening packages of our dreams
and see them turn to reality

May this year, we all are blessed
with perfect days
that begin with new hopes
& ends with never ending motivation drive within us
to face the new hurdles & challenges
that life & destiny throws at us...

I request you all
to show some smiles
show some glow
that would last with us all
with the years to come in the row....
May god bless us all!!

Wishing you all a very happy and prosperous new year!!!

Course of a friendship!

Usually it's like
Met you became friends
this one took a different course
Talked until we couldn't keep our eyes open
for hours & hours
extending into the wee hours of morning
That's how it began....

Shared our past
our present
the dreams, the future plans
weirdest of our pics
your showing the biceps ...hahaha that one was really funny

Laughed with you
over you
Fought with you
For you
Cried with you
Brought tears to your eyes too
Teased you
Pulled your leg
Until you said "SHUT UP" ;)

Finally we met
pinch of awkwardness
loads of fun
tad bit embarrassment for you
but memories for life

Seemed this meeting would be a good luck
to the friendship we had found together
But it turned out to be otherwise....

For an incorrigible boss

Thank you boss for everything

Thank you for who you are

Thank you for being the ‘CUTE’ star

It’s been an awesome journey

From Talbots to OBGS

From C to BIG C

The laughs shared

When everything around us was ‘CRITICAL’

When unsent mails was certain ‘FATE’

When every new morning brought new formats

Yet ended in the same way (TMCMC)

Office updates

Over a cup of coffee

& chicken momos plate

Those were the days when office was fun

Despite all Ts & SRs……of the world

Occupying the office place

Thank you boss for everything

For helping me cope with stress

For not making the packages

For not selecting the color of garments

Sonam would prefer

For never being the boss yet controlling the flow

For allowing me to go at 4

That’s what made you

Stand apart from the rest

Thank you boss for everything

Thank you for who you are

Thank you for being the ‘CUTE’ star

ACTUALLY Thank you isn’t enough

You’re INCORRIGIBLY the best boss ever

May I wish you to become a TRAPEZIUM from cylinder, Ha!! Ha!!

Good luck & god bless you!!

Wish you lot of happiness & a few spoilt kids too :)

My sister

No matter what happens

No matter what you do

You’ll always be precious

I hope you know it’s true.....

Our long late night conversations

Though rare but overwhelming

Endless discussions,

arguments & fights

Knowing no one was right

It’s sad when we go mad

But that’s a part of life

It happens when two poles meet

It happens because we are two different entities.....

I may say I hate you

& I don’t care

But remember I’ll always be there

Though distant or far

I will be there in the need of the hour

For rich spoilt brat ;)

Haven’t met you
But there exists a bond..
Haven’t known you for long
But there is trust, I don’t know since how long…
Saw you once when you made the presentation
Thought you were cute
But deceptive looks was a doubt hanging somewhere

Now that I know you
Not so long still,
Still I can say
Preconceived notions that I had
They turned out to be just a fad
You are so different
You are so cool
You are the one whom I was searching in true
A friend among strangers
A blessing in disguise
Hope in despair
Laughter in tears
You’re all that was missing somewhere
Someone whom I wish would always be there

For a Special Friend on her Special Day

You my true friend

Just be by my side till the end of my life

you the one I count on

Share my darkest secrets

You are a friend in the truest of sense

We fight

We argue

But you call it “difference of opinion”

We have silence for days between us

But in the end of every fight,

There is a huge hug ‘n’ a cry

A feeling of togetherness

We laugh till we get tears in our eyes

Strange yet true

We understand the silence when we want to

But we don’t understand the words at times

That’s when all that you say is "but I like you"

Nothing can change the bond that we have

Worse that can happen in life

Is not to die

But forgotten

Forgotten by friends

A friend who might just forget to say 'Hi'

You my true friend

Just be by my side till the end of my life...

Love you lots ...

Random birthday wish

When I wrote this, it wasn't meant for anyone in particular and that hasn't changed

I just had to say

Happy birthday

I hope I can live your dreams with you

Help them make come true

Grant all your wishes

Throw my hands around you

and say I love you

Whether destined or not

Knowing you love me too

My heart will always go for you

Honey, I just had to say

Happy birthday!

You were there

You were there
when I was alone
holding my hand
giving me support
You were there to hug me
with your arms wide open
when I was burning my grief
in the ashes and smoke
When I needed a shoulder to cry on
yours was waiting
When I needed to talk
your ears were listening
When I was trembling with fear
you were there to hold me
When I fall short of words
You were there
to put my thoughts in expressions
When I lost all faith
you were there
to keep my spirits soaring
to motivate me
to tell me not to give up & try
You were there always
just like a shadow of my soul
not for others to see
but for me to feel
you were there always