Choices of my delusional heart

I love reading romance fiction and watching holiday movies. I think there is enough grief and violence around us, even though it's just for little while, but these books and movies, make me believe in the magic of life and magic of falling in love. My brain understands the realities of life, it's the delusions and naivete of my heart that is the problem. 
This free verse was inspired by the books I read, the movies I see and the people I meet. 

Hating you is an option
I don't want to choose
Loving you is something
I can't stop to do
Missing you is something
my delusional heart
continues to beat it through
Being with you is my dream
you don't want for you
Don't know what's more scary
my dreams for me or
my wish for you
Is it the baggage of my past 
or failed relations around you
that we can't find a way across 
this ocean of pain and loss
Not everyone you will love
is going to leave
you would just have to trust
and take the leap 
I promise to be there
every step of the way
defying the rules for you
corrupting the balance of fate
Loving you is a choice
I will make everyday

I don't know

I wrote this sometime in early 2007, and it was probably how I felt at the time. I don't remember the circumstances or the pain special of the day :) 

I don't know how to 
express myself
but does that mean 
I don't feel
they misunderstand me 
but what to do 
how to do
how will they appreciate me
why can't they accept me
the way I am 
why do they have to change me 
Am I that bad?

That's me
my life is an open book 
for everyone to see
everyone reads the preface 
and turns away
Is that the way 
it should be?

I don't know whether
its right or wrong
its true to false
but that's the way 
I feel
that the world is travelling 
on a selfish wheel
Am I not a part of this world?
Don't I have the right to live?
To be happy?
I think one should stop
and answer this
so that i know
whether I am right or wrong
whether this is true or false
Do I have the right to feel?
Do I need to learn how to express my ZEAL?

Bon Bon!

Pit bull mix
cute eyes
an obedient child
whoever said girls love diamonds
hasn't met you yet
you were happy with your
red ball instead

You are an important girl
in your daddy's life
And I am so glad to have met you
when I did
you have no idea
what you did
but you were all that I needed

I remember when we first met
you had just come from the park
you were dirty
My hands were dark
when I rubbed the spot on your head
I asked if you went for a
touch up instead :)

You love rubs
and you asked for many
I was happy to oblige
Suddenly you got up
turned your back
I thought you got mad
but then your dad said
she wants you to rub her back
Oh boy! you don't really have
a stop button I could press
but you were so cute
and I loved it even
when my hand asked for rest

You weren't funny
when you went around me
with your leash
I was distracted
and your dad said
you couldn't push her around
How could I
It's Bon Bon
is all i could said

Rules don't apply to you

Despite living in such a connected world these days, why don't we reply to friends or reach out to them to just check-in as to how they are doing? We want everything at our fingertips, unfortunately or fortunately every relation needs effort from two people in that relation and not just one. Call your family and friends, don't postpone it, don't lose time procrastinating, tell them what they mean to you because it might be the last time you have the chance. This year has been a long year that has taught me not to live a life of what ifs.  

When you don't reply

I think it's rude

You agreed

and 

said that's very true

every relation is a 

two -way route

But then you do it too

how come the rule doesn't 

apply to you

When he said he was busy

and the work had been a little crazy

or 

when he was sick

you said he was being a D...

But then you do it too

how come the rule doesn't 

apply to you

It perplexes me

and I asked you

you said stop overthinking

and then we can talk it through

friendship is unconditional

why add an asterisk to it too

I felt so alone

didn't knew whom to turn to

I can't think of one friend

in 8 years that is

if I don't reach out 

in a month or two

who'll text me and ask

What's up with you?

I fell for you

and my love for you 

is true

maybe that's why

you did it too

and the rule doesn't apply to you

Now that I learnt the lesson

and I know what was 

never true

I will manage on my own

I will think it through

And next time

I hope

I won't fall for you

I won't let you do it too

But I wish there is a next time

with you. 

My Hug Bud

Richa got you
but you became my Romsey Bomsey

giving you hugs was my hobby
and you played it right
being always ready and in sight

You were unique
I taught you
"Show me your teeth"
Instead of any other regular command
you were supposed to be
You knew how to knock
like human beings
Your unselfish love was
only for me
You were protective
of Dad
when you wanted to be
You were the mean bean
to spikey

I know I left you
when I moved
I knew you were upset
but you also knew
that nowhere I go
you'll always be my Rumo

I used to complain 

you have been spoilt rotten

ever since Spikey passed away
You started manipulating
and blackmail
which were never your trait

Sorry I didn't open the door

when you knocked
that night 

I was so mad
about the newspaper ad

you knew I was right

Sorry for not letting you sleep 

with me that night

when some idiots went crazy

burning firecrackers
to your plight

Sorry doesn't suffice

for what I did

I gave you the last medicine

that ended up in your windpipe

you were sick that morning

but it still seems my fault
and I can't let it go

Home will never
be the same
without you
It took a while
before I could talk about you
without tears in my eyes
Bonnie helped
she is so fancy like spikes
she even dyes her spots right
She is cute
chews her big red ball
like you would too
But you have nothing to be J
No other bud
can ever replace you 

I miss you buddy
and I wish you had a longer life

but I am glad I got to hug you one last time

Four hours

I met Gaby through work, one awkward cold call, a coffee, and a work dinner is all it took to be friends with her. Since then, we have seen each other through some rough times and that's when you know that the bond is strong. Like they say it doesn't matter who came first, or last, what matters is who came and never left. She is one of those people in my life who have been with me at my worst and will stand by me at my best. 

Four hours 

is what it took

to be friends with you

Indian food

no drinks in sight

you poured your heart out 

don't know who was helping whom

but we needed each other

Four hours 

is what it took

to have a second home

with you

Numerous memories are etched in my brain

the happiness class

David and I gave

in your living room

Hot chocolate at Tommy's

the Hawaiian themed birthday

Four hours 

is what it took

to get to know you 

and cherish our friendship too

you always knew
even if you are some 300 miles away
your instincts were spot on
and you were always so protective
whether it was my ex at the conference

or the creepy lawyer
addressing the elephant in the room

Four hours 

is what it took

to have you in my life

discussing my first date

from a faraway land

to making plans

to encourage unborn Adam's

globe-trotting adventures

before he turns into a young man

Four hours 

is what it took

to befriend another scorpio

we are fierce

we are loyal 

we can count on each other

you encourage my delusional heart

even when I ball my eyes out

and you know when to put a halt

Four hours 

is what it took 

to be friends with you

Now we'll just have to find

a way around the 

five hour time difference

that you are about to 

put me through